That about sums up my feelings on what seemed like the longest day ever--a little alarming, since it's only May and a month away from the summer solstice. The alarming part has to do with the fact that nothing really out of the ordinary occurred today. The weather was beautiful. The boys--now 4 and 2 (YIKES!!)--were their usual boisterous, busy, and all-things-boy selves. Just another typical middle-of-the-week Wednesday. With one glaring exception.
THE INJURY has returned. For the second time in half a year, I've injured my hip, rendering me unable to run. This time around my body has put a unique little twist on the injury, however, in that I have also mysteriously pulled my groin as well, thus prohibiting any of my usual cross training. My primary care doctor told me to--surprise!--take some time off to let it heal. So that's what I'm doing. Taking time off. No running, biking, swimming, step aerobicking, yogaing. Can't even power walk. So what's a girl to do but give painfully slow walks to her dog, who coincidentally has a colander around his neck because of his own injury and probably looks even more ridiculous than I do. What a pair we make.
And although the bulk of my days looks pretty much the same since the majority of my workouts occurred in the morning, the absence of working out is taking it's toll. Prior to THE INJURY, when I was able to get up before my people, put on my running shoes and head out the door, it was like giving myself a present. I'd tuck my little gift away as my real day began and wouldn't think about it much throughout the day. Every now and again, though, when I began losing sight of myself, as the distinction between me and the all-encompassing job of mommy would blur and I'd meld into "Mom: the person who watches the kids all day, sacrificing herself for their growth and development", I'd revisit my little gift and be reminded of my secret, that time I had carved into my day just for myself. It was reassurance, even if it was false, that I was someone else outside of my kids.
And now I've been robbed of my present, bringing me back to the "ugh" at the beginning of this post. It's been over two weeks now, and I've tried hard not to wallow in the inevitable depression that THE INJURY brings about. I've tried putting my trust in God, knowing that He has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans for my hope and future (Jer. 29:11), and that somehow THE INJURY might even play into His plans. I've been forced to rely on Him to supply that which running used to provide--stress relief, weight control, endorphin rushes, sanity. I know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope (Romans 5:3-4). But right now I feel like I've been robbed of something that makes me who I am. I have nothing to claim as my own, and it's certainly taking it's toll.
So I wait. Not sure what I'm waiting for, I wait on God, who acts on behalf of those who wait on Him (Isaiah 64:4). Perhaps He's refining me, working on my character, using this time to prepare me for something new, something better that He has for me. But I hate waiting. In my convoluted mind, waiting equates to doing nothing. And in today's world, doing nothing is frowned on. We are supposed to work in order to produce! produce! produce!
And so my little devotional today really struck a chord when it brought up Psalm 1:3, reminding me that I am to be "like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields fruit in season." Huh? Oh that's right, trees don't constantly produce fruit. If they did, the trees would have nothing left--no branches, no leaves, no beauty. The writer called on us to embrace the beauty of personal dormancy (doesn't that sound lovely?): "We must allow for it and accept it joyfully...A time of inner strength-gathering for a better bloom later." Is this what THE INJURY is for me, a time of personal dormancy? A way of preparing me for better blooms to come? Sounds a heck of a lot better than sitting on the sidelines getting fat because of my bum hip.
So I have nothing to do but wait. And pray that I can see THE INJURY as a time of personal dormancy.
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