I've been doing a lot of feet dragging with this one. Now as I write this, I feel like I'm on one of those dunk tanks. With this confession I've just handed you a ball that you can throw at me as I sit here, waiting for my self-inflicted punishment. But before you throw, I ask for mercy. Remember, we are all flawed in some way...
Let me give you a prelude to this confessional. Rachel is an old college friend of mine living in WI who has been begging me to do a tri with her. Now Rachel has done a triathlon or two in her day and is in fact training for a half ironman triathlon as we speak. That's a mere 1.2 mile swim, a 56 mile bike, and a 13.1 mile run. A sprint triathlon would be child's play to her. All I can say to that is WOW. Obviously she's on a slightly different athletic level than me. Which is fine.
Except that it isn't. For reasons which I will discuss shortly, I seem to have a problem accepting that there are people out there who are better at things than me, which is sheer foolishness, I know. I do not want to do a triathlon with my dear friend Rachel because she would do better than me. And my fragile little ego can not handle that. So, knowing that Rachel would jump at the opportunity to participate with me in a Wisconsin triathlon, I purposely omitted mentioning to her that I was training for one. Apparently I'd rather protect my self-esteem than see a good friend whom I haven't seen since my wedding almost six years ago.
And here is where the sin part comes in, for this episode clearly points to the pride that lurks in my heart. Proverbs 29:23 says that "A man's pride brings him low" and I've certainly proven that to be true. Pride comes in all sorts of ugly shapes and sizes, but with me it often comes in the form of insecurity. Because I feel like my athleticism is a unique aspect of who I am, I am frightened by the idea of someone outperforming me, for if they did, then what would I have left? My pride would be shattered.
Now that's an ugly way to live. I want humility. And I want it without having to sit on a dunk tank, openly confessing my sin of pride on a blog. That is, I want to be secure enough with myself to be able to retain my self-worth regardless of the circumstances that arise. This true security is found in God alone. Recently I read that "confidence is driven by the certainty of God-given identity and the conviction that nothing can take that identity away (Moore, 2010)". Our God is great, and He is the same today as He was tomorrow and as He will be. As a child of his who was created in his image, I too am capable of great things through the power of God. Apart from Him, anything I do is self-serving or fruitless.
Whew. It's tough admitting our sins. But doing so is a relief, and it's cleansing. And it's what God calls us to do. So Rachel, the first ball goes to you. I'm sorry for being a jerk. It would be an honor to do a triathlon with a pro like yourself, even if you make me look like an amateur, because (surprise, Sara!) that's what I am. Wow that water feels good!
(Quote is from Beth Moore's So Long, Insecurity, 2010)
Let me give you a prelude to this confessional. Rachel is an old college friend of mine living in WI who has been begging me to do a tri with her. Now Rachel has done a triathlon or two in her day and is in fact training for a half ironman triathlon as we speak. That's a mere 1.2 mile swim, a 56 mile bike, and a 13.1 mile run. A sprint triathlon would be child's play to her. All I can say to that is WOW. Obviously she's on a slightly different athletic level than me. Which is fine.
Except that it isn't. For reasons which I will discuss shortly, I seem to have a problem accepting that there are people out there who are better at things than me, which is sheer foolishness, I know. I do not want to do a triathlon with my dear friend Rachel because she would do better than me. And my fragile little ego can not handle that. So, knowing that Rachel would jump at the opportunity to participate with me in a Wisconsin triathlon, I purposely omitted mentioning to her that I was training for one. Apparently I'd rather protect my self-esteem than see a good friend whom I haven't seen since my wedding almost six years ago.
And here is where the sin part comes in, for this episode clearly points to the pride that lurks in my heart. Proverbs 29:23 says that "A man's pride brings him low" and I've certainly proven that to be true. Pride comes in all sorts of ugly shapes and sizes, but with me it often comes in the form of insecurity. Because I feel like my athleticism is a unique aspect of who I am, I am frightened by the idea of someone outperforming me, for if they did, then what would I have left? My pride would be shattered.
Now that's an ugly way to live. I want humility. And I want it without having to sit on a dunk tank, openly confessing my sin of pride on a blog. That is, I want to be secure enough with myself to be able to retain my self-worth regardless of the circumstances that arise. This true security is found in God alone. Recently I read that "confidence is driven by the certainty of God-given identity and the conviction that nothing can take that identity away (Moore, 2010)". Our God is great, and He is the same today as He was tomorrow and as He will be. As a child of his who was created in his image, I too am capable of great things through the power of God. Apart from Him, anything I do is self-serving or fruitless.
Whew. It's tough admitting our sins. But doing so is a relief, and it's cleansing. And it's what God calls us to do. So Rachel, the first ball goes to you. I'm sorry for being a jerk. It would be an honor to do a triathlon with a pro like yourself, even if you make me look like an amateur, because (surprise, Sara!) that's what I am. Wow that water feels good!
(Quote is from Beth Moore's So Long, Insecurity, 2010)
No comments:
Post a Comment