...one step back. Just when I think I am making progress in the character development area, some minor event comes along that sends me reeling and reminds me how pathetic I am apart from God. Consider the events that transpired this morning...
My husband decided that he is going to jump on my bandwagon and start running in the morning before the boys wake up. I know I should applaud his efforts at fitness, but a part of me actually resents this. I love working out in the morning. I love the discipline that it requires to leave the comfort of that soft quiet bed, slip on some running shoes and head out the door. I love the better-than-coffee high that it gives me for at least 2 hours post-workout. And (this may seem silly, but when you have young kids it really isn't) I love being able to shower and put on make-up following a sweat session, knowing that in a sense I EARNED that shower and can now go out and face the world looking and feeling put-together. So I view his taking over my mornings as an infringement on MY time to exercise, which it is, but really, do I own that time slot? I act like I'm the one who invented a.m. workouts.
Cerebrally I know these things but it often takes awhile to convince my slow-to-come-around self that sharing is good. Regardless, we've worked out an alternating morning schedule and today was his morning to run while I stay at home. I've decided that doing turbo kick during this time frame--while not as good as training for the tri--has it's benefits, so while he's running in the surf I'm kicking and punching with some blonde lady who shakes her pelvis WAY too much for 6:00 in the morning.
When my alarm went off this morning, I got up, used the bathroom, dressed, and went into the office to retrieve the turbo kick DVD that I had left by the computer--the one that on this morning was not there. With a sinking heart I realized that Kevin moved the DVD during one of his organizing sprees (I love my husband dearly but he has a chronic organizing problem. On more than one occasion he has moved one of my commonly used items to a new place and I spend 30 minutes searching for it, growing more and more mad at his obvious addiction). I searched every place I could think of but could not find the missing disk. I thought about returning to bed but knew that I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep for 30 minutes, so I used the time to write out my eldest son's bday invites.
And I fumed. I fumed because he had possibly thrown out a DVD that wasn't even mine (I'm borrowing it from a friend) due to one of his organizing episodes. I fumed because I had wasted all that time trying to find it when I could have been working out or sleeping in, something I RARELY do. I fumed because now I had to make the difficult transition to the morning without my exercise aid. And I fumed because I didn't get my way: I wanted to do turbo kick but was forced to do something else.
When he came back I tersely inquired about the DVD, which he located and apologized for. Groggily I dressed the kids and gave them breakfast, all the while feeling sorry for myself and doing my best to ignore Kevin, who was whistling and skipping around, in a great mood because of his run. He asked if we wanted to meet for lunch, to which I replied "Yes, if you don't misplace my car keys too."
Yuck. What a start to the day. It wasn't yet 8:00 and I had managed to subject my husband to an ugly side of me that should never come out, and for what? A missing DVD.
What is going on here? Was the real issue aDVD? Obviously, it wasn't. In retrospect, the root of the issue is that I did not get my way, and because of that I reacted like my two year old would have. Which surprised me. Life has been going pretty well for me lately. I feel good about things, something I wouldn't have said five months ago when Ben was in his difficult stage and I was tied to him night and day. Now I feel as if I'm floating down one of those lazy river things, enjoying the scenery and the sun. But who isn't content in those things? It's easy to have a positive attitude about life when it's going your way. What happens, though, when you are relaxing on your tube and you get sprayed in the face with a little water? Irritation. Take that to the next level and imagine going over a surprise waterfall. What?! This is the Lazy River ride--I did not sign up for waterfalls! These curve balls that life throws are the real tests and they are going to happen. All. The. Time. How we react serves as a sort of litmus test to reveal where we truly are. The fact that I lost it over such a trivial issue as a DVD is an all too vivid reminder of how far I have to go.
My husband decided that he is going to jump on my bandwagon and start running in the morning before the boys wake up. I know I should applaud his efforts at fitness, but a part of me actually resents this. I love working out in the morning. I love the discipline that it requires to leave the comfort of that soft quiet bed, slip on some running shoes and head out the door. I love the better-than-coffee high that it gives me for at least 2 hours post-workout. And (this may seem silly, but when you have young kids it really isn't) I love being able to shower and put on make-up following a sweat session, knowing that in a sense I EARNED that shower and can now go out and face the world looking and feeling put-together. So I view his taking over my mornings as an infringement on MY time to exercise, which it is, but really, do I own that time slot? I act like I'm the one who invented a.m. workouts.
Cerebrally I know these things but it often takes awhile to convince my slow-to-come-around self that sharing is good. Regardless, we've worked out an alternating morning schedule and today was his morning to run while I stay at home. I've decided that doing turbo kick during this time frame--while not as good as training for the tri--has it's benefits, so while he's running in the surf I'm kicking and punching with some blonde lady who shakes her pelvis WAY too much for 6:00 in the morning.
When my alarm went off this morning, I got up, used the bathroom, dressed, and went into the office to retrieve the turbo kick DVD that I had left by the computer--the one that on this morning was not there. With a sinking heart I realized that Kevin moved the DVD during one of his organizing sprees (I love my husband dearly but he has a chronic organizing problem. On more than one occasion he has moved one of my commonly used items to a new place and I spend 30 minutes searching for it, growing more and more mad at his obvious addiction). I searched every place I could think of but could not find the missing disk. I thought about returning to bed but knew that I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep for 30 minutes, so I used the time to write out my eldest son's bday invites.
And I fumed. I fumed because he had possibly thrown out a DVD that wasn't even mine (I'm borrowing it from a friend) due to one of his organizing episodes. I fumed because I had wasted all that time trying to find it when I could have been working out or sleeping in, something I RARELY do. I fumed because now I had to make the difficult transition to the morning without my exercise aid. And I fumed because I didn't get my way: I wanted to do turbo kick but was forced to do something else.
When he came back I tersely inquired about the DVD, which he located and apologized for. Groggily I dressed the kids and gave them breakfast, all the while feeling sorry for myself and doing my best to ignore Kevin, who was whistling and skipping around, in a great mood because of his run. He asked if we wanted to meet for lunch, to which I replied "Yes, if you don't misplace my car keys too."
Yuck. What a start to the day. It wasn't yet 8:00 and I had managed to subject my husband to an ugly side of me that should never come out, and for what? A missing DVD.
What is going on here? Was the real issue aDVD? Obviously, it wasn't. In retrospect, the root of the issue is that I did not get my way, and because of that I reacted like my two year old would have. Which surprised me. Life has been going pretty well for me lately. I feel good about things, something I wouldn't have said five months ago when Ben was in his difficult stage and I was tied to him night and day. Now I feel as if I'm floating down one of those lazy river things, enjoying the scenery and the sun. But who isn't content in those things? It's easy to have a positive attitude about life when it's going your way. What happens, though, when you are relaxing on your tube and you get sprayed in the face with a little water? Irritation. Take that to the next level and imagine going over a surprise waterfall. What?! This is the Lazy River ride--I did not sign up for waterfalls! These curve balls that life throws are the real tests and they are going to happen. All. The. Time. How we react serves as a sort of litmus test to reveal where we truly are. The fact that I lost it over such a trivial issue as a DVD is an all too vivid reminder of how far I have to go.
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